I hate the talk

 Ok so new relationship and it’s only been about 3 weeks. Things are good I think but then today I get asked where I see things going. Uggggg. So I immediately go to a bad place and think he is unhappy. I mean I like him and I could see this going somewhere but it’s too soon for me to make a decision. I mean feelings are hard enough and after what happened earlier this year I am obviously reluctant to jump headfirst into something. Then there is the fact that he applied for a job in another city before we met and it is something he really wants. I already told him I would be happy for him if he got the job because I know he wants it but I would be sad because I am really enjoying our time together. I could be jumping the gun and maybe he just wants to make sure we are heading in a good direction. I mean let’s face it, at this point I don’t want to put in the effort in something that isn’t going anywhere even if it’s fun. I am happy alone and can continue being alone without any issues. I may get lonely sometimes, but I am happy. 

Then out of nowhere my ex had contacted me to say how sorry he was at losing my princess. I told him I really appreciated it and that it meant a lot that he reached out. Well it went from something meaningful to damn it super quick. All of a sudden he tells me that he still loves me and never stopped thinking about me in the last 5 months. 

I mean fuck me!! I have someone new I really like but I have to make some sort of decision and my ex telling me he still loves me even if it may just be as a friend or something really fucks with my head. I still have feelings for him BUT I am almost positive he still doesn’t trust me even though I never did anything to him. 

New guy isn’t a runner up by any means. I have found that he is so different from my ex and it brings out a part of me that is able to talk about things that were previously more taboo. I can talk and not feel judged. I can ask questions and get honest answers rather than push that part of me behind a door. I want a chance to explore that and I hope that I am given a chance. 

Shit I hope I give him a chance and don’t self sabotage.