FML

 Here I am again smh! The younger guy I was seeing reached out some months ago to tell me how sorry he was to hear about my princess passing away. To be honest I was really surprised to hear from him - things did NOT end well at all. I was actually happy to hear from him and we began speaking a little bit with each other. I was seeing someone else at that point but we kept it platonic. As my other relationship ended we kind of fell back into how things were before we had the massive falling out. It was something I most definitely did not expect but was honestly happy about. Despite how things had ended with him, I quickly discovered that my feelings for him had not changed. 

  Once things really began again I was happy at first. However I started to feel like I was not as important to him anymore. I sort of felt like an afterthought sometimes and it made me somewhat resentful. I mean i was totally on board with his work and the time he spent with his dog (who is an absolute doll). But I really felt as so though too many plans I made with him were falling through. I do not believe he was cheating on me, he really isn’t that kind of guy, but at least cheating would have made a kind of sense to me. I think the biggest issue for me was the fact I was always happy to be spending the time with him as he was able but then feeling like a booty call because it was alway late at night and not often. When we were seeing each other before it was 3-4 days a week and now it was one. 

  There was also the issue of him thinking I was blaming everything on him but I wasn’t. I know I am not always the easiest person to get to know and there were times we had plans and I changed them. But what made me feel the worst is that he said I was only thinking of myself. I do understand the position he is in and that he isn’t always available but when I told him how I felt he made it sound like it was always about me. Are my feelings less important than his? Are my feelings wrong? How did we go from talking about the possibility of exchanging keys to break up in two weeks?? How is it that I am crying AGAIN! I hate that everyone always thinks about how strong and stoic I am but in reality my feelings are quite fragile. 

  As much as I care for him, maybe love, I think we have a fundamental problem that we can’t get past. Maybe if he was more empathetic to my feelings or maybe if I saw myself the way he does, things would be different. But we can’t seem to find a common ground there. Despite everything I don’t wish him any unkindness and I hope we both can find what we are looking for and be happy. 

When the talk is just ok

So we had the talk about where we may see this relationship going and he is more of the fwb route and I am more of the I like you but I don't know fully yet how I feel.  Sounds like we are only half on the same page uggggg.

But after the uncomfortable conversation we went right back that comfortable place.  I even got the message the next morning asking when he could see me again.  I am not usually one who deals with uncertainty well, but right now I am happy with the status quo.  The agreement is if we meet someone else we want to explore things with all we have to do is be honest about it.  I do think honesty is the best route, but we shall see how it actually pans out. 

I will say for the moment, I am exploring some new kinks that I had previously decided were not for me and I am liking them :)  

I hate the talk

 Ok so new relationship and it’s only been about 3 weeks. Things are good I think but then today I get asked where I see things going. Uggggg. So I immediately go to a bad place and think he is unhappy. I mean I like him and I could see this going somewhere but it’s too soon for me to make a decision. I mean feelings are hard enough and after what happened earlier this year I am obviously reluctant to jump headfirst into something. Then there is the fact that he applied for a job in another city before we met and it is something he really wants. I already told him I would be happy for him if he got the job because I know he wants it but I would be sad because I am really enjoying our time together. I could be jumping the gun and maybe he just wants to make sure we are heading in a good direction. I mean let’s face it, at this point I don’t want to put in the effort in something that isn’t going anywhere even if it’s fun. I am happy alone and can continue being alone without any issues. I may get lonely sometimes, but I am happy. 

Then out of nowhere my ex had contacted me to say how sorry he was at losing my princess. I told him I really appreciated it and that it meant a lot that he reached out. Well it went from something meaningful to damn it super quick. All of a sudden he tells me that he still loves me and never stopped thinking about me in the last 5 months. 

I mean fuck me!! I have someone new I really like but I have to make some sort of decision and my ex telling me he still loves me even if it may just be as a friend or something really fucks with my head. I still have feelings for him BUT I am almost positive he still doesn’t trust me even though I never did anything to him. 

New guy isn’t a runner up by any means. I have found that he is so different from my ex and it brings out a part of me that is able to talk about things that were previously more taboo. I can talk and not feel judged. I can ask questions and get honest answers rather than push that part of me behind a door. I want a chance to explore that and I hope that I am given a chance. 

Shit I hope I give him a chance and don’t self sabotage. 

My heart

Wow I am writing a lot today.  I have written about having to put my other dog to sleep about 7 1/2 years ago.  Well a few months ago I had to put down my heart.  She was about 1 month shy of 17 and I never in my wildest dreams would have thought I would have her that long.  Over the last year of her life we had several ups and downs that included a cancer diagnosis.  Luckily it was very slow spreading and I was told she was likely to die of old age before the cancer got her - they were right.  All was going as well as could be expected until she woke me up early one Saturday morning in May having a seizure.  It was one of the most traumatic things I have ever dealt with.  I held her not knowing when it would stop or if it would kill her.  When it was finally over she was just laying there not responding and I knew that was it.  I was lucky that she recovered enough to give me a couple of days with her before I let her go.  I don't think I have cried that much aside from when I lost my grandparents.  I loved my boy and was devastated when I had to let him go, but my princess had my heart.  She was MY dog and I doubt I will ever have another that takes so much of my heart.  I am glad I still have the bane of my existence because he really helped me in the couple of weeks after she died.  He acted like nothing had changed and I tried to follow his messed up example. Nothing will ever take her place, but I can try and fill the giant hole in my heart by helping other animals in need.  She was my first foster and first foster fail. I will continue to foster and volunteer in her honor.  She was there for me when I needed something to hang on to and a reason to get up everyday.  I know I will be able to help another dog find it's forever family just like she was mine.  

I still Don't Know What Love Is

Now that I am in my early 40's, I would have expected I would know what love is but I don't.  What I mean is, being in love with someone.  Looking back, I have loved a couple of the guys I have dated, but I don't think I was IN LOVE with them.  I have such a wonderful basis for comparison, that I almost feel like the person I fall in love with has to be a fairy tale prince or something.  My parents have been married for 50 years, my grandparents were married for 60, and my aunts and uncle are all going the same route.  So I see these happy couples and I wonder how did they get there and will I ever?

I know having a relationship isn't always easy, but I don't know if it is because I am bad with feelings or too selfish. I have dated enough and there were two guys who loved me enough to want to commit to forever, but I was never able to take the final step.  They are both happy with other people now and I don't begrudge them that, but I just wonder about myself.  I am just scared, I am too picky, or I am just meant to be single?  I know the first two are true and I have admitted to being scared.  But I also feel like at this point it is just something I acknowledge and kind of laugh off, but have never really tried to figure out why I am so scared.  

Take my first real relationship.  I was young, still in high school, but I had a guy who loved me and I knew it. He treated me well and I did adore him.  But I cheated.  When he found out he was unhappy but he forgave me, or at least he thought he did because he ended up cheating on me and it was because he wanted me to know how much it hurt.  And it did hurt.  But I was unable to forgive him and I broke it off.  I think he expected me to forgive him and then we would have been even and could have stared again,  I know it may not have seemed to fair to him, but I could not see past it.  Even then, I could see how much my cheating had hurt him but once I was on the receiving end it did not matter anymore.  All these years later and we actually keep in touch and I remember being happy.  He was my first love, but I think I was too young to understand love then.

I dated another guy for several years during my drug years and I remember being happy with him too - until I cheated.  See the pattern beginning to emerge here?  He was none too happy to find out I had cheated and rightfully dropped me quick.  When he died a few years later I cried like a baby but I still went back to his mom and brother to give any comfort they could take,  I think in my own way I loved him too.  I am actually tearing up as I type this.  

There were a few guys I dated after that for short periods, but then next important one was the one who loved me best. Surprisingly I met him in a bar, but it worked out.  I would like to say that after he shipped out is when I cheated, but that would be lying.  He knew about it and still loved me.  But I had to do the right thing and let him go - I thought there was no way he could be the one for me if I cheated on him so easily.  He cried when I told him we had to break up - but so did I.  I am happy to say he is very happy with how his life turned out.  I really am happy for him.  I am also crying as I type this.

I went through a period of self imposed celibacy and I was happy with it until I met Ivan.  Realistically we never would have made the long distance thing work, but he made me remember how much I loved sex and companionship.  After we broke up I met someone else.  We dated, if you want to call it that, for two years. the biggest issue with him was that he was married.  I knew that and still went ahead with it.  He was good to me, but I knew it was something that would never really mean anything to me and for once I didn't cheat. How's that for fucked up!!  We actually broke up when he called me crying that he wanted to leave his wife.  SMH

Then the last was a friend.  We had met about 7 years prior and he was 11 year younger than me.  He wanted to date when we first met, but I could not get past the age difference.  7 years later and the age difference seemed to not be as important.  This was the one relationship that I began to seriously let my feelings show.  But due to my history he just could not trust me.  I don't blame him for that, not really.  I just wish he could have seen beyond that possibility and maybe just maybe I would not have shot myself in the foot for once.  

I don't understand why I cheat.  I never met someone and think I want to date him just so I can cheat.  

I will say, had I married the guy who loved me best,  I think I would have been happy.  But my life would be so different than what it is now.  I have been able to travel all over Europe many times and I have a master's degree.  I do not think I would have done either of those things had I married.  On the other hand, I have no kids and I am alone.  I don't mind either of those things, but I definitely did not imagine myself like this when I was younger.  I guess I can say I am happy, just lonely sometimes. 

I am still trying to figure out what love is.  I know I love my family. I love my godchildren and my friends.  But HOW do you know when you fall IN LOVE?

Social Media

So I was on Instagram and I have two accounts.  On one I post nothing but hair stuff and only one picture actually has a face.  But that account has a bunch of followers that are all men and they never actually comment.  It's just weird.  On my other account I follow a jewelry designer because I like her new flower she posts every Monday and I follow some random guy in England because he liked a post of one of my dogs.  I have followed him since he was single and he is now married with two kids! It's just kind of bizarre that these are people I have never met and never will.

Then there is Facebook.  I only have the one account, but the vast majority of what I post has to do with rescue animals and the occasional posts of vacation pictures.  But I see people that post EVERYTHING that goes on in their lives.  I mean I am glad your kids are doing great, but do I need to know about the food you ate or god forbid, the bowel movement you made - true story!!!

I guess I just do not see the point of posting my entire life for everyone to see.  Although truth be told, more often than not it is not that exciting.  I mean I love to share a beautiful shot of somewhere I have been, but do you need to know how much my feet hurt after walking all day to get that picture? lol

I do not know if I would consider this social media, but no one I know has ever seen this and the few people that have stumbled onto this have never left a comment so...

Uggg Online Dating

 So I joined a site that's not really a dating site but isn't a hook up site either.  It was to meet like minded people and maybe make some friends or find something more permanent.  Lets just say it was mind blowing.  The things I got in the messaging left a TON to be desired. I mean at least it wasn't dick pics, but ewwwwww!  I did find a few people that I have spoken two and have met one.  He and I have a lot in common and I could see it becoming something, but after what happened I am not really ready to put myself out there completely.  I just don't know what to do.  

I really want to be able to share my feelings, but I am so afraid of getting hurt that I feel like I may end up alone.  I mean at least I am good on my own, I know I don't need anyone to make me happy - that's my job.  It isn't even about sex, I just miss the companionship - having someone to talk to after a crappy day or just someone to watch a movie with.  

The hardest part about the breakup is that I miss my friend.